I had this Tyvek paper jacket in high school and wore it to every geography and history test. Teachers would hide the globes, roll up the maps, but no one ever noticed my jacket. Where’s North Korea? Let me scratch my elbow. What’s the capital of Paraguay? I’ll check my belly. I always did well on those tests and I’m sure the kid behind me did too. Found it at that shop on Melrose that used to be Aardvarks.

But a warning to cheaters:  I don’t know if it was the jacket, the teachers edition of the history text book I stole that had all the answers to every quiz, or the test I snatched off the teachers desk – xeroxed – and put back, but until recently I’ve had recurring dreams/nightmares that some “error” was discovered that voided my whole adult life and I had to quit work and go back to finish high school. (Friends have recounted similar dreams – what does it mean?)

Finally, when I was 32, the teacher in this one dream (who was my same age) looked up from her desk and noticed me taking some test with the rest of her class, and said, “What are you doing here? You graduated. You’re done.” And I got up all embarrassed, and left. I’ve never had the dreams since.

Those Todd Oldham body pillows Target used to sell are great if you’re like me and sleep alone but like wrapping your arms something big, soft, and pretty. I bought two and keep the extra in the closet for when my current one wears out.

[If u didn’t know: Obscene Interiors is my collection of real online male personal ad photos. I gray out the men to allow an undistracted view of the setting, so we may better study how men really decorate.

Obscene Interiors: Hardcore Amateur Decor is also a fun little gift book you can order direct from me - and I’ll sign it, or get it from Amazon.com or any cool bookstore.]